Dear Kevin,

Get a day job. Then don't quit it.

Sincerely,

Kroushlconflict

You just keep on pushin' my love over the Federline..... (Federline!)

**************************************************************

So it's K.Fed's birthday today. Twenty-eight years young!! Boy how time flies when you're buying Ferraris with your wife's money and smoking cigarettes on the couch.

He's such a classy guy! Photogs caught him putting his underwear on in front of a window. One would think that if you occasionally have paparazzi following you that you might not stand in front of a window whilst changing. Not our boy! That won't stop him.

People keep asking me if Britney's preggo. I don't know! "Look at her stomach," they say. Well hey, give her a break! She just had a baby 6 months ago. Things don't neccessarily just "spring back" to the way they were before. It's a little wiggly down there for a while. So I don't know. I hope for her sake/ the baby's sake that it's not true.

Lucky Baby Sean. With parents like this, he can't help but be musically talented! Can't wait to hear the musical crap he produces!!! (By the way... what the heck is going on with that song? Po Po Zao? Is that a pig noise I hear? And what is he doing with his hand????)

Hey I can turn a volumn knob and make weird hand gestures! Can I have a cool recording studio too????

So apparently there's a new name in the world of Suckiness.

Ready? Drumroll please........ (imagine in your head).....

The Pussycat Dolls!

I mean.... I .. ummm... words can't really describe the utter crappiness of this assemblage of skanks.

I was under the impression they were sort of a burlesque act in Hollywood. Why have they been unleashed on the American public in broad daylight? Why...how...all these questions float through the mind.

Is this part of the "shock and awe" Washington was talking about? Are we going to unleash this supergroup on the terrorists- perhaps use them as part of interrogation techniques. I'm pretty sure the Geneva Convention didn't mention anything about these gals....

It pains me to raise my daughter in a world where these "ladies" are at the top of the music charts. The horror! Let me just clarify that I'm not offended by their slutiness or their provocative lyrics. I'm just offended by the sheer crapiness of their music.

But that's just my opinion.

"Hey Usher .............

You suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm still reeling over the break-up of Nick -N- Jessica. I mean, weren't they just the perfect couple? Sure they got married young, but that usually means true love, doesn't it? So many unanswered questions...Did she cheat on Nick??? Who will get custody of Daisy??? I ask you, HAS ANYONE THOUGHT OF DAISY???? DEAR LORD? It's always the children (or in this case dogs) that are hurt the most in these situations. (Read more about the life of Daisy Simpson at celebritydogblog.com. Yes, it's a real site.

Now we hear that Nicole Richie has split with her fiance, DJ AM, a la Paris Hilton. Of course it was a "mutual decision", like it always is. If I was to wager a guess as to the reason, I would say perhaps Mr. AM was afraid she would fall between the couch cushions and he would accidentally crush her to death. Or (if she's anything like she was on The Simple Life), he decided that he would rather spend the rest of his life celibate and alone than to have to live with a self-centered, egotistical wretch like her. Oops, did I say that? Apparently the split has helped heal her relationship w/ Paris (THANK YOU JESUS!), or at least that's what NicoleRichie.org says.

I've also heard that Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli are calling it quits. I really don't have much to say about that except, "They were still married?" Who knew.

Hopefully, there won't be any more celebrity break-up traumas to live through this holiday season. Although I did hear that Britney kicked K.Fed out.... stay tuned.

Cover Story Synopsis:

" They just applied to adopt a baby in Ethiopia. How BRAD & ANGELINA are more serious than you think. "

Oops. I guess that US Weekly got it screwed up again! Apparently Angelina is the only one that is adopting a lil girl from Africa. I can't believe US would print a story without first checking their sources! NO WAY!

Anyways, they must have figured it out after they printed and sent out the subscriptions, since the magazines in the grocery stores have a diffferent (correct) headline. Maybe I can sell it on Ebay for millions!

Ok, so maybe it's not as important as a presidential election. It is to me! No, I'm just kidding. I'm not that big of a loser. Not yet, at least.

In Other news..

• Li Lo has a Chanel addiction! She's got, like, a whole bunch of Chanel clothes. "She's obsessed!" Lohan's stylist Rachael Zoe tells US. I wish this girl would just go away.
• Celebrities drink a lot of Starbucks.

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Matt Damon bites his nails!
• Carmen Electra napped on a plane and ate Wendy's cheeseburgers. Go on girl.
• Drew Barrymore shared a magazine & a smooch with her Strokes boyfriend while on the set of her next crappy film.

Love Lives:

• Ben & Jen- sneaky wedding in the Caribbean!
• Pink proposes to that motorcycle guy. Don't know if she had to buy herself a ring or not.
• Ashley Olsen & Jared Leto- "Hot Summer Romance!" A good match in my estimation, because they're both equally lame.
• Quentin Tarantino & K-Fed's Baby Mama? Huh? Oh well, a big step up for her at least.
• Kristen & Jake- Back in action???
• Breaking news ******* Jude Law has cheated on Sienna Miller with his babysitter & are rumored to be Splitsville! How exciting!

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about (except the people in Europe):

LaGrange Park's favorite son- David Hasselhoff turns 53 on July 17th!

Cover Story Synopsis:

" After months of moping, the star of The Break Up has gt her groove back- with some help from costar Vince Vaughn!"

I don't really see how Jen is getting her revenge on Brad Pitt. The article does not say that Jen and Vince are a couple, just that they are shooting a movie together. They seem to be enjoying themselves in Chicago and going out to eat.

Yep, that's about it. There's a few pics of them hugging, but those are mostly from the movie. Not that I think they would be a bad couple; they both seem like nice people and all. I'm just not ready to say that I'm convinced. We'll just have to follow this story closely...

In Other news..

Lindsay Lo opens up about her "healthy diet". Here's a sample menu from her trainer:

Breakfast: 2-3 egg whites w/ vegetables & 1 banana
Lunch: 3 slices of turkey, chicken or ham with lettuce and tomato
Snack: 2 hard-boiled egg whites or an apple
Dinner: Salmon filet (cooked w/ a teaspoon of olive oil & 1 cup vegetables
Snack: A frozen fruit bar

He forgot to mention the cocaine and martinis. That is just simply not enough food for one person to survive. No wonder she looks like a walking skeleton.

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• SJ Parker bought paper towels! Scott Towels, no less!
• Matthew McConaughey played frisbee!
• Calista Flockhart fed the parking meter! Aren't you impressed?

Love Lives:

• Avril Lavigne & that dude from Sum 41- Engaged!
• Some woman is actually dating Howard Stern. Eww...
• Mena Suvari- divorced that old dude and is on an "Aussie Getaway" with a new hunk!

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about :

That's right!

Fitness guru Richard Simmons turns 57 years young on July 12. There are some really great pics of him here.

Cover Story Synopsis:

" After a courtship of just over one yar, Bullock is ready to say "I do " to her Monster Garage guy, Jesse James. "

Sorry I've been a little lax in my updates...I've kinda had Tom Cruise overexposure and didn't really feel like writing about him. (he is on my poop list now, you know) So I was looking around the house for this week's US Weekly, and guess where I found it? Crumpled up on Devin's side of the bed. Hmmm, interesting. And here I thought he was reading that physics book before bed. Guess he's found his way over to the dark side.

Anyhow, I guess Sandra Bullock is getting married. Aren't you thrilled to pieces? I wonder how it can be a surprise wedding since everybody (including the general public) know about it. There's really not much else to say about this story- she actually seems like a somewhat down-to-earth person. If there's something to criticize, guess I'm missing it (which is odd, for me...)

In Other news...

• Lindsay Lohan and Geri Halliwell wore the same corsetted Gucci dress. EGAD.
• Kate Hudson smokes (everybody gets to smoke, except me! Sob!)
• Tom Cruise makes a jackass out of himself at the Mtv Movie Awards. Shocker.

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Liv Tyler walked her dog, and her baby to a boutique. And there was no nanny in sight! Wow. She's still looking rather voluptuous, I might add.
• Adam Brody tried on seven pairs of pants! Did they fit? Who knows!
• Kirsten Dunst licked her fingers after eating salad. Classy.
• Dustin Hoffman got pizza to go. Hmmm, pizza.

Love Lives:

• Heidi Klum and Seal- Newlyweds/ Odd couple!
• Ben & Jen- practice parenting with their pooches!
• Josh Hartnett & Scarlet Johansson- Heating UP!

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about : Double Whammy

WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE HERE! I'M FREAKING OUT! CAN IT BE TRUE?????

June 21st- Meredith Baxter AND Michael Gross are both turning 58 years old? Both Mr. and Mrs. Keaton! How uncanny!!!!!!!! (And it's also my parents' 36th wedding anniversary, who knew?)

Again I cry out for some (good ole) bad sitcoms! Bring back the 80's sitcoms! A lil' "Small Wonder " maybe wouldn't be so bad, would it? I'm getting really tired of this reality business. Let's make a sitcom with a puppet! Now we're talkin'!

Cover Story Synopsis:

" Yeehaw! For her "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" video shoot, a newly confident Simpson Bares a leaner bikini bod."

Yes, that's a quote.

Well I'm sure glad to hear that Jessica is getting that self-confidence she so sorely needs. Whew! I was worried about her for a while.

I have to admit, her leaner bikini bod looks pretty darn good in the pink bikini, especially with the fake tan and all. But isn't that what she looked like before? They act like she pulled a Carnie Wilson, or an Al Roker. Hell, I'd even put Star Jones on the cover for her slim new figure ( and you know that I can't stand her) But Jessica Simpson? Really? Really, really?

I've noticed this happening a lot in this magazine- they write about how great this celebrity or that celebrity looks after their "Diet Transformations." But the transformation is having the celebrity go from about 112 lbs to 90 lbs. This is not the best message to be sending to our young, impressionable teens, is it? What can I do about this?

Let's see... I could write a letter to the editor. Well no, that won't work, because there's no actual "writing" in the magazine. And there may not even be an editor. Scratch that.

I could stop buying the magazine and supporting the crap. Yes, that's it! I will not support the anorexic-celebrity-worshipping-paparazzi any longer! But wait, then I don't get to have any US weekly updates any more. No that won't do.

I've got it! I can continue to read US Weekly, and comment about how stupid it is in my weekly column. You know, someone has to do the social commentary, and I guess it might as well be me. I will sacrifice myself for you, loyal readers.

Are there any readers? Hmm...good question. Maybe I'll make a guest book. But then I'll have to listen to others' useless opinions. Gag.

In Other news...

• Lindsay Lohan looks like crap.
• Angelina Jolie is out with her ex!

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Gwyneth P. gives directions. Good little girl scout.
• Leo & Gisele ate corn. I've eaten corn too!
• Jude Law stacked up on books. I like to read too! It's like fate has brought us together.

Love Lives:

• Ashlee S. & Wilmer Valderrama- spent 20 minutes alone together inside a private VIP room! Am I the only one who thinks he's sorta sleazy?
• Ryan Seacrest is dating some singer named Paulina Rubio. Who dat?
• Thankfully Mischa Barton & Brandon Davis are still in love! Whew!
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about : Double Whammy

June 6th-

Max Casella of Dougie Howser fame - 38 years old

and

Stacy Keanen of My Two Dads - 30 years old

So much fine acting in the 80's. Television has just gone downhill from there, in my opinion.

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Teasing, flirting, the lure of a family. What Angelina had that Jen didn't. "

I'm really sick of this topic. I'm not even convinced that they are a couple, so I'm not going to talk about the Brad/ Angelina thing until it's official. I'm making a new headline this week:

Is Tom Cruise a dickhead?

Ok, first I have to start out by saying that I am feeling really mean for posting this disgusting photo over here------->
But there's some poetic justice to getting nasty cold sores all over your face the week after you are galivanting around Europe making out with Tom Cruise for all the photo ops. Don't you think? Sorry girl, did you think I could resist that?

Anyhow, I've been a lil disturbed about what I have been reading about Mr. Cruise lately. You know I wasn't so pleased with his ordering a new girlfriend over the phone (it just seemed a little evil overlord-ish to me). But I guess she's paying the price for that one anyhow.

Well, Mr. C, with his infinite wisdom, just came out with some "innovative" new ways to treat post-partum depression in women. Apparently he was chastising Brooke Shields for going on (much needed) anti-depressants after the birth of her daughter. Apparently Scientology is against psychiatry or some crap, so he recommends women take "vitamins". Um, what's that dumbass? She felt like throwing her baby against the wall and you're going to recommend a One-A-Day?

I'm through with him; he's going on my crap-list. Yes, this hurts me.

In Other news...

• Jen & Ben- Pregnant?Bump watch!
• Brittany Murphy had her hair extensions removed! OH Gosh, she's so crazed!
• Nicole Richie weighs the same as a Giant Stufft Burrito from Taco Bell. And both will give you the poops.
• I hate the term "Boho Chic". They should just say, "She didn't shower today and looks like a dirty hippie."

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Britney Spears eats for two. But dresses for one...one hillbilly slob that is! Straight to hell I go.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt splurged on clothes. She's still alive?
• Lindsay L. bought CDs. I always knew she was just like me.
• Nicole Kidman ordered a $500 bottle of Chateau Latour. Yes, I oft purchase $500 wine. No wait, I think that was my wedding dress that cost $500. Yes, that was it. The wine was $8.99.

Love Lives:(busy week!)

• Renee Zellweger & that country dude- Married! Is it just me, or does she always look like she just sucked a lemon?
• Clooney is single again! Ladies, it's time.
• Josh Duhamel & Fergie- Ah who cares.
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about :

Todd Bridges - May 27th- 40 years old!

Cover Story Synopsis:

"How They Found Love "

Gee, didn't see this one coming as the cover story. I think Katie is a pretty nice looking young woman and all. But they have these 2 pictures of her smiling and it really looks like she's pulling her lips up and exposing her gums. Yeach! If I wasn't too lazy I'd scan the pic and post in on up here. But I am too lazy, unfortunately.

This "May-December" romance doesn't really take me by surprise, or concern me at all. Really, they're only 16 years apart after all. What I find slightly disturbing is that Tom Cruise seems to select his girlfriends the way most people select their toppings at a salad bar. "Hmm, let's have some shredded carrots, bacon bits, oooh croutons and oh yeah some Katie Holmes."

I just picture him in this long room sitting on some sort of throne watching re-runs of Dawson's Creek on a gigantic screen on the wall. He tells his flying monkey henchmen, "Yes, yeeeeeeesss. She's the one. Bring her to me!" And wham-o. The next day she's your girlfriend. I guess if you're Tom Cruise you can just call someone out of the blue and they will just immediately be your be your new arm candy. Kinda creepy, don't you think?

By the way, I have no idea what the article says.

In Other news...

• Will Paula Abdul get fired for allegedly sleeping with a contestant. Now, we can all tell she's got bad taste (have you seen some of her outfits?), but this Corey dude is just downright nasty. Ewww.
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were eating last Thursday at Green Zebra, which is about 2 blocks from my house. Yeah, we've got celebrities over here.

Real "Runaway Brides"

• Julia Roberts bolted on Kiefer Sutherland in 1991 (of course, that was before he was Jack Bauer)
• Pam Anderson kicked Kid Rock to the curb in 2002.
• Gwyneth nixed her wedding to Brad Pitt in 1997. Wha?

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Laurence Fishburne sips cocoa. In France, just like I do.
• Julia Roberts walked with a brown bag in NYC. And an iced coffee!
• Naomi Watts snacked on fruit while she shopped! What a healthy snack!

Love Lives:(busy week!)

• Tara Reid & Tommy Lee- A match made in heaven!
• Renee Z. & some country dude- Hitched!
• A desperate housewife and some dude- Hot & Heavy!
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about (But should!):

May 12th- Kim Fields " Tootie" is 36

Oh, and by the way. In case you were wondering, there is a Mindy Cohn (aka "Natalie") fan website. Sadly, it hasn't been updated in quite some time...

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Bikini Season Beckons "

Again with the celebrity diets? Come on! How the hell is this supposed to make the average women of America feel? I mean, they show the before pictures of Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, Charlize Theron and Tyra Banks like they are some sort of heffers. These women are probably a good 45 lbs less than the average American woman in their before pictures.

I'm not going to justify this ridiculous article any more, but I'll leave you with one thought. These women pay someone (way more than you or I make in a year) to kick their butts in the gym and supervise every morsel of food that goes into their mouths. Ladies, if we had this, we would all look this fit, so don't sweat it.

In Other news...

• Britney gets ready for baby! That's a great idea.
• Paris and Nicole: "We're not friends." But what will be come of their comedy juggernaut "The Simple Life." Sob!

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Cuba Gooding Jr. said a prayer before eating his lunch!
• Nick Lachey dropped off his dry cleaning! Yes, by himself!
• Michael Keaton read the newspaper while eating breakfast. This man really is multitalented.
• Tara Reid ate hotdogs and beer at L.A's Mondrian hotel! Wow!

Love Lives:(busy week!)

• Lisa Marie Presley is engaged to some "producer." Yeah, didn't think you'd care.
• It says Katie Holmes and Josh Hartnett snuggled in Manhattan, but that's old news. She's totally hot n heavy with Tom Cruise!
• Heath Ledger & Michelle Williams (?) are having a baby. Big whoop.
• Chad Michael Murray & Sophia Bush tie the knot. Wait, are they celebrities?
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about (But should!):

April 29th-Eve Plumb is 47

Cover Story Synopsis:

"It's on! "

What's on, you ask? Dinner? No, friend. It's the romance between a certain globe-trotting, pucker-lipped actress and a certain recently-separated-but-not-divorced actor. Now, I'm not going to name any names.... but it's Brad and Angelina!

You might find it interesting to note that the alleged "sexy pair" were found "frolicking by the pool" in a secluded villa in Palm Springs. You might also find it interesting to know that they "lounged on chairs and gazed at each other." Or you may not, because it's really not that interesting.

Allegedly, Ms. Jolie has found the time between grooming Maddox's mullet-hawk to strike up a steamy romance with MY BRAD! I mean, the wedding ring's not even cold yet! Dang!

Is it true? Well, why would YOU divorce Brad Pitt? We shall stay tuned!

In Other news... Handbag alert: How pricy are their purses?

• Jessica Simpson's slouchy sack- $730
• Nicky Hilton's tote (oh and she has 8 of them)- $995
• Eva Longoria's aqua bag- $1, 150
• Mischa Barton's tweed bag- $1, 450

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Lindsay Lohan ate pizza on the run. Pepperoni, no less.
• J- Lo drove to the gym. Yes, in a car by herself!
• Marcia Cross took her recyclables to the curb. Desperate to save the environment, Marcia? Whoa, I'm good.

Love Lives:

• Mandy Moore & Zach Braff- In the mood for love!
• Parker Posey and rocker Ryan Adams- Splitsville! Gasp!
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

April 14- Shannen Doherty- 34

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Separate Lives "

Well it's about time. You didn't think it would actually work out, did you? I mean, married at 22? Why?

I'm talking about Reese & Ryan Phillippe, of course. I really never thought he was good enough for her anyhow. She is really cute and always wears really stylish dresses. Even if her movie role choices are somewhat questionable. But then again, she's a millionaire, so who am I to talk. I'd star in a big screen version of Cop Rock for that kind of scrillah.

But Ryan is just smarmy and annoying. And apparently he did NOT accompany Reese & Ava on the Easter Egg hunt! That Bastard! And he was allegedly out flirting with girls on Reese's birthday. Shameful.

In Other news...

• Michael Vartan & Derek Jeter don't sign releases after they are Punk'd. Big babies
• Jen Aniston files for divorce. Go ahead, I'm sure you'll find someone better...
• Julia Roberts bought a $2,800 Silver Cross Balmoral stroller. Yeah.

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Kristin Davis tucked in her shirt. The picture leads me to believe she did it all by herself. What a down-to-earth gal.
• Eva Longoria snacked on a bagel. Carbs be darned!
• Madonna let her daughter skateboard. Without a helmet! Is she crazed?

Love Lives:

• Katie Holmes & Josh Hartnett- oooh la la
• Brit & Kev- on the rocks??? Let's hope not!
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

April 10 - Haley Joel Osment - 17

"I see weird-looking teenagers...all the time."

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Secrets and Lies "

Oh who cares already?! Oh surprise, surprise. Denise actually had good reasons for leaving Charlie Sheen while she was 7 months pregnant. NO, really? It wasn't her pregnancy hormones (gimme a break) after all?

Blah, blah, blah gambling, painkillers and something about Charlie not wanting to get the kid immunized. I am not going to rehash this ole piece o'news. Just thank the Lord that this personal turmoil has not affected his sitcom, Two and a Half Men! America needs you Charlie; onward you toil, oh brave and humble man!

In Other news...

• Bottle o'red...- Billy Joel enters rehab. Big shocker.
• Britney pregnant? I hope for her sake yes, because she looks like crap. Glowing, my ass.
• Lil' Kim charged with purjury. Maybe she should'a worn that nipple dress to court...

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Britney stained her pink dress at L.A.'s Barefoot Cafe! (That would be an improvement to most of her wardrobe.)
• Kristen Davis AND Felicity Huffman wore curlers in public. The humility!
• SJParker lugged groceries back to her NYC home. Yes- By herself! There were 2 whole bags!
• Debra Messing toted her $5,350 Spy bag to the Chateau Marmont. One more reason to loathe her.

Love Lives:

• Kate Bosworth & Orlando- hot hookups at the Chateau Marmont. ARGHHHH.
• Nicole Kidman & that creep who knocked up Elizabeth Hurley- girlfriend & boyfriend! Eww...
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

April 4- Jamie Lynn Spears- 14

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Why She Left Him"

Of course we're talking about Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen! We all know how much America cares about this power couple!

Well, if you came here wanting answers, ya ain't gettin' any. Surprisingly, this article is only a bunch of speculation. Not US WEEKLY! Never! The only thing it said is that he works long hours (on THAT sitcom? Huh?) and when he got home he was exhausted. Hmmm...seems like that would drive a 6 months pregnant woman to leave her husband, yeah. The world may never know....

In Other news...

• Mary-Kate gets a puppy. Could a new pooch be just what the doctor ordered?
• Paris & Nicole reportedly ignored each other while dining at L.A.'s Mr. Chow. Trouble in paradise, ladies?
• 89% of New Yorkers voted that Christina Aguilera looks younger in a soft tousled updo than her short, platinum pinup curls. I hope someone lets her know!

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Jessica S. took her $730 Hogan bag on a 4 hour shopping spree. Hey wait, that's not like me at all! I bought my bag at Marshalls for $25.
• Britney sucked on a lollipop in Santa Monica. Okay, that does prove Britney is just like me, because I do eat candy sometimes.
• Hilary Duff took her bf from Good Charlotte and her $2,860 Louis Vuitton bag out for a coffee run. Again, $25, Marshalls

Love Lives:

Nothing big happening here this week! No shockers

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

Double Whammy Part Deux:

March 21- Rosie O'Donnell- 43 & Kevin Federline - 27

Cover Story Synopsis:

"How top stars went from flab to fab."

Surely you remember how portly J. Lo, Beyonce, & Jessica Simpson were before? No? Well, what about Jennifer Garner and Jennifer Aniston? They were both, like, 112 lbs. EACH!

But not anymore. Now they have fab bodies, just like you and me! ( if you happen to be Angelina Jolie, and I happen to be Halle Barry... and, um, I'm not)

OK, Anna Nicole Smith- now that's talking flab to fab (if you're into that sort of fab). The rest....come on. Madonna? Always known to be a very flabby sort, oh sure.

In Other news...

• Ashton K. cried on Oprah...because he is so in love w/ Demi. Ouch, that sentence hurts me to write it, it is so painfully stupid.
• Cruz & Cruise ran into each other at the Vanity Fair party. Oh gosh, I hope they were okay!

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This week :

• Leonardo jumped onto the grocery cart while shopping!
• Hilary Swank ate outside!
• Jen Garner & Ben Afflux shopped for dishes! With his Mom!

Love Lives:

• Denise Richards/ Charlie Sheen- Splitsville!
• Jake Gyllenhaal/ Kirsten Dunst- Hot & Heavy Hookup!
• Teri Hatcher/ David Spade- Canoodling!
  

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

Double Whammy:

March 8- James Van Der Beek- 28 & Freddie Prinze Jr. - 29

Cover Story Synopsis:

"Hilton's Sidekick is hijacked, revealing her friends' private details. Tearfully, she tells US how she's coping."

So there's about a million pics of Paris with her rhinestone- encrusted phone. She wonders why bad things like this always happen to her. What a rough life she has! I was puked on today, but I'm sure that pales in comparison to having to ask Pauly Shore to change his cell phone number. The horrors! I honestly don't know if she will make it through this one. I wonder if Tinkerbell is okay! The article really didn't say!

In Other news...

Stars, They're Just like Us!!!

This is the best part of the magazine...where they show all these celebrities out and about on the street, supposedly doing really mundane tasks that are way beneath them. Tasks that all the rest of us plebeians have to do.

This week :

• Brooke Shields choked on gum!
• Gwynneth hailed a cab! (all by herself)
• Josh Duhamel hit the salad bar at an L.A. area Whole Foods Market!
• Mary-Kate Olsen wore flip-flops in February! (that girl has done gone lost her mind)

Love Lives:

• Matthew McConaughey & Penelope Cruz- "Scorchin"
• Drew Barrymore & Fabrizio "Stroke" Moretti- "Back On!
• Orlando Bloom & Kate "Not Worthy" Bosworth- "Still Splitsville!"

This week's Celebrity Birthday nobody cares about:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zach on Saved by the Bell) turns 31 on March 1! Yeah! Do we get the day off work? We should!